Sunday, October 21, 2012

Thank God I Am a Loser!

Seeing the crowds, he went up on the mountain, and when he sat down, his disciples came to him.
And he opened his mouth and taught them, saying:
“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
“Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.
“Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.
“Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.
“Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
“Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you. (Mt. 5:1-11)

We live in a society that celebrates winners. But by societal standards I am a loser. And to be honest, it's not something that I tried to accomplish. And that's the point.

A few years ago I was diagnosed with depression. Before the diagnosis I knew something was not right in my world. But I did my best to pretend that all was well. It was during my wellness exam my physician confronted me and asked if I was depressed. I broke down crying. That was my answer. The really bad news is that she asked if I had any fantasies about taking my life. I said, "No!" I lied.  T make a long story short, I was referred to a therapist and prescribed Zoloft. With therapy and medication, I came out of my depression. But I also ended up divorced. Shortly after my divorce my mother's cancer spread to her lymphatic system and I knew I should go back home to be with her. She died shortly after.

But the move required me to find a new position in the Church or secular employment. I found neither. Now through an old acquaintance I began volunteering at a church plant in the new Anglican Diocese of the South. My ordaining diocese in The Episcopal Church never returned my calls. Just as well. To try to make some money I did background work for some of the movies and TV shows filmed around Atlanta. But it was not enough to keep up with child support. To make another long story short I have been doing door to door marketing. It's not my calling but it makes a small dent in my bills. 

The good news, besides Jesus dying for my sins, is that out of all of this I am growing more and more dependent on Jesus as my Lord.  You see, if I were successful by the world's standards, I would have no need to lean on God. But by the world's standards as a divorced, under-employed person, you name it, I must lean on God. I have a new church home with a new future. God is not my servant but He is a caring Father whose desire for me is that I don't become a spoiled brat. (Heb. 12:5-11) The poverty I experience is an emptiness that only God can fill. And He is filling it in His own way for His own glory.  It is Jesus who died for all of me and He rose from the tomb defeating death. Therefore the victory belongs to Him. He is the real winner! 

God has never abandoned me not even during my depression. He sent friends and professionals to my aid. Even though there are days I wish I could be doing something different, I know God has a good reason for the circumstances I am in. If you are blessed with material goods and wealth then thank the Lord for He is the One who has blessed you. (Eccl. 5:19) If you are empty in any area of life, rejoice for God will indeed fill you with His abundance! The secret is to let God define the abundance you are meant to have! (John 10:9-11)